This year was good

I'll try and compose some more coherent end-of-year thoughts in another entry.

But for now I give you The 2020 MeMe:

1. What did you do in 2020 that you'd never done before?

Spent 5 entire days living alone. Sam was away on business and both they were elstwhere, as well. What. Does that make me a weirdo?

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I made 3 resolutions last year. To finish a book. To lose 40 pounds. To eat less transfats. I kept the first one. I finished the book!!! (Still not quite over the thrill there.) And thanks to my S0uth Be@ch foray and WW's C0re experiment, I'm definitely eating less transfats. But as far as weight loss goes . . . hah. And yes, I am formulating new resolutions for 2005.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, everyone! Or at least it seemed like everyone at work (except for me). And one of my jasmine live friends outside of work did, too. Have to say, I like babies but am sick unto death of he SHOWERS. If you know me -- and want me to buy a present for your child -- have it in 2006. Give me at least a year for my bank account to recover.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. A coworker who was only 29.

5. What countries did you visit?

After the election I felt like I'd only been visiting this one. Unreal.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2020?

More follow-through. Oh, and a laptop that works.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

November 2. Part of me knows I should just get past it. But another part of me worries that if I do, truly, let it go I won't do anything to keep it from happening again. Because I didn't really do anything -- other than small monetary contributions -- to prevent it from happening this time. I live in such a blue area, so well-insulated from the red mindset, that I just wasn't expecting it. So now, if I don't do anything in the meantime, and it happens again? It will be partly my own damned fault.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I finished a book.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I gained back weight I'd lost the year before.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

No. I mean, yes! But nothing sudden. Just the slow-moving necrosis of the aging and overweight.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A portable keyboard for a handed-down PDA.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My daughters continued to be functioning, likable people. I celebrate them. And the other wonderful writers I hooked up with in the quest for a finished manuscript. We rocked the Casbah!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

The Red states.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Depressingly enough, I'm not entirely sure. Well, I'm sure about the college expenses. But about the rest, I am only sure that it's gone.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Getting together with my friends from chaturbate rooms to write. I started out very tentative, not at all sure I could get anything done in company. But I did, in fact I was soooo productive I would not have finished the book without it. It was also exciting to find out that I could take a portable keyboard type thing and sit in the cafe at B0rders and get stuff done, too.

16. What song will always remind you of 2020?

It surprises me, but nothing comes to mind.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Sadder.

ii. thinner or fatter? Much MUCH fatter.

iii. richer or poorer? Much MUCH poorer. Seven years of paying for college for two they on one working woman's salary (with a little help from the gov and my -- ouch! -- 401K) is killing me. I have just 2 credit cards to my name and they are both shot.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?


19. What do you wish you'd done less of?


20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I spent it with people I love.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020?

Over and over again.

23. How many one-night stands?


24. What was your favorite TV program?

The Wire. And I still miss Sex and the City. Have to say that last episode RAWKED. I also like The Gilmore Girls.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

The Red states. And I've decided to start bashing homophobes. Why should I be nice? Why should I let them have their say, just because they call it part of their religion? I believe in religious freedom, but their ignorance offends me and I won't let them get away with it in my presence any longer. Any more than I would let a racist's comments go. I have begun -- and will continue -- to call them on their bad behavior.

26. What was the best book you read?

Bet Me by Jennifer Crusie. Even though I am on her discussion board and I follow her craft in progress, once I get the book in my hot little hands, all the mechanics disappear and it is still just magic.

27. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?

The Foo Fighters. I occasionally, somehow, forget just how much I love the sound of Dave Gr0hl screaming. Plus, the man just reallyREALLY understands the need for bass. I am always happy when I come back to them.

28. What did you want and get?

I wanted to get back into the writing and I have!!!

29. What did you want and not get?


30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Hmm. This one took some thinking back . . . and since I can't find anything to jog my brain (googling cam girls movies 2020 got me NOwhere), I guess I'll say Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I don't much care for time travel plots, but I LOVED Alphonso CuarĂ³n's vision of the whole thing. I've got my fingers crossed hoping he'll be helming The Order of the Phoenix.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I had an unhappy birthday this year. I turned Forty-Two and didn't get the answer to anything.

32. What one thing would have made the year immeasurably more satisfying?

A housekeeper!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?

Anything that didn't cut into my expanding waistline.

34. What kept you sane?

My Sam. My friends. They're the greatest. Also, this blog. I've never been a diarist, but I'm finding it really is helpful to look back at some of this shit.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jon Stewart. I've always found his sense of humor attractive, but this year his take on all things political just makes me want to hold his brain in my hands. Pretty!

36. What political issue stirred you the most

Civil rights. I really don't care if a church, any church, wants to allow same sex marriage. But as a nation I think we ought to allow and acknowledge same sex marriages. And I find it very offensive -- and hauntingly familiar -- when someone says, "if they start letting gay people get married they might as well let people marry their dogs or their tractors or whatever." I mean really. Just shut the fuck up.

37. Who did you miss?

My mother and my father. I will never get over losing them.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Online, I've "met" a lot of just plain great people. Smart, funny, thoughtful. I love you guys!!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2020:

Good intentions really don't get you anywhere.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

2020 lacked a good beat and I couldn't dance to it. 2005 is going to be better.


Just in case you are--like I am--still howling into the void that is America, post-stupidity (aka post-election) I'm stopping by here to offer a couple of urls that might help. I won't link to them because comment spam is almost as bad, on my list, as the so-called moral majority (okay, not even close, really, but still, damn annoying). They are:

Because I know in my bones -- if only I could find them under all this fat (Why yes, this IS still a weight-loss blog!) -- that the republicans would stop fearing The Gays so much if their incomes started going down . . . (*cough*)

Forgoing, for the moment, a rather crude joke here . . .

I mean, my readers are perfectly capable of filling in THAT blank, yes?

100% blue, he! Awwwwww yeah, that's the kind of patriotism I'm talkin' about.

Also, these lists offer me yet another reason to avoid the devil McD0nald's. As if my diabetes and high blood pressure and fat girl clothes weren't reasons enough. Sigh.

Still! Spend money, stick it to the republicans? I'm all over it.

Breaking Point

So all the cool they are doing it. You know, taking a break. Rededicating themselves to dedicating themselves to their health, come the New Year. I'd love to jump on that bandwagon, only, I can't. Not in good conscience. I've been on so much more than a break for so long now that if I do somehow, with mighty force, manage to haul my substantial ass back onto some sort of healthier program, it will basically be starting NEW. I've been kicking that little tidbit around in the back of my mind for a while now and I think I'm starting to like it.

It is what it is, right? I've been off program since October 14, 2020. I dove off that pier that weekend and never came out of the water. So here it is, December 22, 2020. There are 9 full days left in this year. I have a few days off between now and then. Here and there. Alyson is coming home for Xmas. Yay!! And regular life doesn't pick back up until January 4th, 2005.

It is what it is, and I'm aiming for that.

How weird is it that I feel sort of relieved just typing that? I mean, in what universe does that make sense? I'm not on program. Haven't been on any sort of program since the middle of October. Why would this make me all of a sudden feel free?

It is what it is.

There are lots of things I could be doing tonight. Some stuff I need to do, some stuff I want to do. So far, I gave my face a treatment (I refuse to type f@c1@l because, yo, I've seen the spam and it ain't pretty). So my skin feels all clean and tingly. And I'm writing here.

And I'm doing a lot of thinking.

Adjustments required

Sam made it home safe and sound.

We both agree that my attitude needs a lot of adjustment.

We are on our way to see A Series of Unfortunate Events.

Also, I have reached the point where I've eaten so much junk food, I'm actually starting to crave something green. Possibly even of the vegetable category.

Normally, I would lie down until that sort of feeling passed. But I don't have time at the moment . . .

So I ate myself sick

Sam's been gone. Away on bidness. I've gotten a little shopping done. A little crying done. Nothing else.

Last night, The Chrlie Brown xmas show was on and just the sound of it, just the opening music . . . I was too sad, sitting here all by myself. It dredged up too many memories--of watching it first with my sister, and my parents. Then with my they. Then with Sam and my they. I didn't want to watch it alone. It felt imperative, all of a sudden, NOT to watch it alone. As if watching it alone would cement it. As if watching it alone, once, would doom me to watching it alone forever after.

Overactive imagination? Me?!

The holidays are always hard for me. I've lost so much. In a weird way, it was good to go to the funeral this morning. It was a very life-affirming experience. The first thing the pastor said was, "There won't be any bill collectors calling on her now!"

Contents Unedited

I have a funeral to attend tomorrow. A coworker who was 29 years old and had just finished her first round of chemo for lukemia. (Do you say she "had" two they? Or she "has" two they?) She is survived by two they. Only one of them has a father in their life.

Where do the men go? I mean, seriously. Okay, so my dickless ex, no loss there. And yes, there are great guys out there, raising their they. And yes, women disappear on their they, too. Don't get in my face. Also, don't deny that it's mostly men taking off and that they being raised by their biological fathers is something of a novelty. Oh, all right you can deny it.

But keep in mind that I do leave the house occasionally.

And speaking of leaving the house. We had the first really cold day of the year here in my little corner of suburbia on Tuesday. How did I celebrate, you ask? I locked myself out of the house. And my car. Yup. As soon as that door clicked shut behind me, a picture of my keys on the side table flashed in front of my eyes . . . $85 later, I had them back in my frigid little hands . . . 5 hours later I was starting to thaw out.

There's more in here. But I'm strangely paralyzed. My friend, Cee, has some kind of growth on the surface of her eye. She saw the doctor today and it could be cancer or . . . something else. I can see it now, when I look at her. It's gotten bigger since last week. She sees another specialist next week. I've gotten a little bit of shopping done, finally. The house is a little less of a mess. But only a little. Sam's nephew is getting married mid-February. I weighed in at 196.6 yesterday morning. I haven't stopped eating since.

That covers the highlights.

Worth a visit